I know people are probably expecting me to ask you to compare yourself to a lube brand or list 10 things you'd rather suck than the weenus of a gorilla...but I'm not going to go there today.
I'm hopefully leaving for China in a few months to teach English, and I think it's time for me to get a little sappy.
2 years ago I was browsing the Survivor subreddit and got a private message from some internet dweeb asking me to play in their fake Survivor game themed around China. I had never heard of such a thing and thought it sounded intriguing so I applied. There were a lot of random 12 year olds, fakers and some lady that offered me money to do comps for her. I got cut at 8th place and found myself on the jury having to vote between one of my allies and this kid named Emile.
I did not give him my jury vote because I didn't know the kid. We hadn't shared 2 words the entire game and ultimately that was the vote that tipped him into second place.
So here we are buddy, bookending my ORG career, and I find myself again in 8th place, having the choice to vote for or against you, Emile. I'm a sap for poetic finishes.
So Emile, here's my question for you that will solely determine whether or not you receive my vote.
How have you grown/changed as a person/player in the last two years of your life? I'd like to just hear that story from you. I'm intrigued to see something that I didn't see 2 years ago.
Thank you to the hosts and players of this insane, complicated but ultimately worthwhile season and all the hosts of players that have made this online Big Brother and Survivor experience worthwhile for me. Thank you for putting up with my inapporpiate jokes, videos and alliance names. Playing ORGs has almost been better than getting my weenus sucked by a silverback gorilla.
Let me introduce you to your new Defense Against Boring Gameplay teacher...
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Me
Jake Everts, Order of Jaylen, Thrid Class, Honorary Member of the Boring Gameplay Defense League and five-time winner of Org Weekly's Most-Voluptuous-Posterior Award---
but I don't talk about that. I didn't get to 4th place by shaking my ass at it!
I see you all have a complete set of my books:
- Banging the Block
- Humping the Head of Household
- Wanking the Wheel
- Nutting Nominations
- Violating the Veto
Well done! I thought we'd start today with a little quiz. Nothing to worry about -- just to check how well you've read them, how much of me you've taken in--
You have 24 hours----start----NOW!
1. What is Jake Everts' favourite colour?
2. What is Jake Everts' secret ambition?
3. What, in your opinion, is Jake Everts' greatest achievement to date?
4. Why is Jake Everts' considered a "bootylicious freak sandwich?"
5. What is Jake Everts mother's maiden name?
6. Who do you think is Jake Everts greatest role model?
7. If Jake Everts had to create a dish, what would it be?
8. Does Jake Everts prefer cars or bicycles?
9. What is the proper way to address Jake Everts?
10. If Jake Everts could learn any langauge, what would it be?
11. Jake Everts has many talents, name one not mentioned in this test.
12. If Jake Everts could fly, would he?
13. What is Jake Everts' favorite destination?
14. Does Jake Everts own a pet?
15. How many times has Jake Everts been to the zoo?
16. How many licks does it take Jake Everts to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
17. Does Jake Everts personally know a narwhal?
18. When Jake Everts rises in the morn, what is his first activity?
19. Why does Jake Everts think "Lady in the Water" is M Night Shamaland's best work?
20. What is Jake Everts' favourite ice cream topping?
21. Is Jake Everts' a top or bottom?
22. Would Jake Everts like to become a pilot sometime in the future?
23. Does Jake Everts have Navy fantasies?
24. When is Jake Evert's sobriety anniversary?
25. Does Jake Evert's prefer Marvel or DC?
26. What should Jake Everts do about the mole behind his right ear?
27. Can Jake Everts touch his toes without bending his legs?
28. What is Jake Everts' worst nightmare?
29. Does Jake Evert's worst nightmare involve squirrels?
30. What is 17 minus Jake Everts' ideal age?
31. What is Jake Everts' preferred flower to give on special occassions?
32. What does Jake Everts' wish was filling every piece of chocolate?
33. How does Jake Everts prefer to eat s'mores?
34. Does Jake Everts have a Christmas list for 2018 already?
35. What does Jake Everts consider to be the actual cause for the sinking of the Titanic?
36. Should Jake Everts refinance his mortgage?
37. Would Jake Everts ever like to be handcuffed?
38. If Jake Everts were straight, what color would he prefer to dye his hair?
39. Who is Jake Everts' worst enemy?
40. Which ORG was Jake Everts' favourite?
41. Why does Jake Everts think that lean pork is the ideal type of meat?
42. Does Jake Everts own a lampshade?
43. If Jake Everts' had to live upside down, what would be his only concern?
44. Does Jake Everts prefer peanut butter or getting his legs massaged?
45. Appoximately what time of day did Jake Everts enter this world?
46. Is Jake Everts partially or fully convinced of Global Warming?
47. Who would Jake Everts say is the person he can trust the most?
48. How many letters are in Jake Everts' full name?
49. Does Jake Everts prefer sauteed, raw or steamed brocolli?
50. In which drawer (1-4, 1 being the topmost) does Jake Everts keep his socks?
51. Does Jake Everts believe in the magic of St. Patty's Day?
52. Which of the following is anethema to Jake Everts: fried squid, boredom, or large crowds?
53. Can Jake Everts plank for 5 minutes without a break?
54. When is Jake Everts' birthday, and what would has ideal gift be?
Feel free to answer as many questions as possible. The person who knows me best will gain my vote and everlasting adoration. Wands ready!
